The Uncomfortable State of Giving myself Credit

So it's been two weeks since I wrote my last post on perfectionism which resonated with several of my readers, and I have been avoiding writing another post since then, because my perfectionism says, "Ok, that post was helpful, so the next one better be even more helpful." Perfectionism raises the bar so that satisfaction is never possible. I am also realizing more and more how uncomfortable it is to give myself credit for what I have accomplished in dealing with my OCD, and that this too is a manifestation of perfectionistic OCD. This is often accompanied by my feeling on trial by my OCD.

So what is it that I fear will happen if I acknowledge the work I'm doing?

• Even more will be expected of me
• I will fail
• This will prove that I am a worthless human
• I will discover it's not possible to be perfect, and that small steps are acceptable, and I will be faced with a flood of sadness about all the time I've lost to perfectionism
• I won't be able to survive the sadness, because it will haunt me every minute

I am learning to make room for affirming of myself, but the remnants of all the old stuff cling stubbornly. I also know that there is a deep sadness about the missing years, but that the more I flee from the grief, the more it ensnares me. I also know that I respond much better to self kindness and compassion than to self denigration. At one point this is all I had to go on, in faith, that kindness worked, and even if it seemed crazy to be kind to myself, that if I wanted to heal, I needed to take the risk and be gentle, even if it was with gritted teeth.

If you are struggling with perfectionism, please know that it is possible to learn how to exist in the world without a constant striving for the perfect, that happiness is possible. Perfectionism can feel like a sticky film that refuses to be washed off, but it is not invincible. To write something that helps others with OCD is one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever had, and although my OCD clamors that I'm not feeling the gratification "perfectly right and sustained", I can still claim the moments of clarity, of being enough, of being myself.